//tell me if you're still feeling me

damn

2005-07-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

UNDER RENOVTION!

It's just you and me

2005-05-02T23:40:00.000-07:00

Its just you and me now;
And nothing else.

after so long i still cant imagine whats wrong.things are just like getting worst..
maybe its just tough and all. maybe its time for us to let go, we shouldnt see, we shouldnt hear and speak of it too.

i had a hard time struggling. and u just dont know.
u're tough to handle with.. and its very scary

2004-12-22T01:08:00.000-08:00

OMG

there's really something bad with this freaking blogger shit thing..
i cant seem to type my entry
damn! newae
its over between us i guess
no more together
well i would get over it
i will
i got new chai~ thats the lastest update

i need santa~

2004-09-28T17:39:00.000-07:00

when you're fallen behind ; i will carry you

once bitten, twice shy
now i know what is it about..
i gonna be a hapy girl
((=
i'll make sure i smile to everyone
that walks past me
those whom i know of.
i want to let samuel know that
im not crying anymore..
yenn's gonna be strong

"if i were you, i would have
committed suicide
10 years ago"

i guess i was on the verge
to do that last night..
that was told to me
by my mum.. how on earth
would you feel?
if any of your parents
would have said such
things to you?
UNEARTHLY words used
guess she's just
encouraging me to
commit suicide..
weil if thats the case
i'll cut
and i have cut..
you forced me to the end mum..
blame me no more

a short conversation of A and B

A: where's yenn?
B: ohh yenn's dead
A: huh??
B: ohh her mum asked her to commit suicide

i have no regrets..
my heart is dead

2004-09-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

ACSi guys are sweet!!

went to the library to study
then there were two guys who were
sharing table with us
and then the particular guy
that was sitting opposite me
he was so sweet..
he even told me what to study for my social studies
how sweet right?
he said 'study switzerland its important"
how nice of him ((=
managed to speak to him a few sentences
so cute a guy
hahah
with a sweet smile..
hahahah
i think im a despo

2004-09-04T23:05:00.000-07:00

my charming son

2004-09-04T22:48:00.000-07:00

leaving this place for good ;

i have totally no idea what am i thinking
i am not even touching my book
at all and i really mean AT ALL
i am feeling absofuckinglutely bad
and i still have zero % of idea
on what im doing..
exactly what am i doing?

recently samuel and i has gone better..
but i still cry at night
and he asked me
'why do you have to fake urself?'
i was like "huh"
then i really realised that
im not the real me anymore..
always trying to decieve myself
we really had a heart-to-heart talk
i cried my heart out
i used up the whole box of paper napkins
i was indulging all the sorrows to myself
i have fallen into a oh-so-big hole
the bottomless pit hole..
i would never ever be able to land
my heart would always be falling
i can never get myself back together
and why?
thats because my heart is dead
i am aware of the whole lot of chances given to me
but i would rather not choose the right path
i know people would dislike and detest
but i am left with no choice
im better off with nothing..
its over all gone
i wont expect much anymore

2004-08-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

doing this my the best of us; no harm

everything would be over soon..
im speechless
sam lets stop everything now.. right now..
i told you what i feel
and theres nth i could do..
((= ok? haha
i've said my piece..

oooo i feel so happy went for night school saw my besties!! yippe!!! miss them so much haven bee spending time with them lately.. all the best to you all ok?? love you all loads.. muaccks

2004-08-08T23:15:00.000-07:00

set me free lord; oh set me free

fading slowing
cuts are fun
i enjoy it so much..
haha so happy..
so fun
so freaking cool
so cool to quarrel with him
i feel so fucking happy
i like to see him sad
hahaha my favourite hubby

sam if u want to leave me
i cant be bothered
just go by all means
for all you want
i dont need u at all ok?
i dont have feelings for you already..
really..
the past 404 days that we spent
are meaningless
i never ever put my heart soul and mind in our relationship
before
i dont feel guilty too ok? this would be a very good
reason for you to go..
i wont feel hurt.. hah
in fact im happy.

2004-08-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

Knocked down, beaten, left for dead.

school was bad. as usual i cut again.. well just let it be.. might be transferring end of this year.. haven really told many people.. well im still considering.. though its already my 4th year.. but if i would to make up my mind.. i would.. soon soon i shall... cant seem to enjoy myself in this fucking school.. such a major turn off.. was considering wether to go on a hiatus haha but well im back..

till now, today i dont know what i want from myself
feel so fucking bad..true friends?? i'll give that question a pass
i tried to think abt that.. answer was freaking so so so negative..
and he's hurting me more and more..
just what am i supposed to do?
hide behind the wall? or??
hell! darn!!! freaking shit im so done for it..
fancy making others smile yet myself so fucking sad
im just a clown..
and i've hurt her.. alot.. sorry

I told you how I felt
I told you what it meant
But I still haven't changed your mind
I know that you're afraid,You're frightened of the pain
But you can let down your guard
Cause when we run, we hide
We deny what's inside
What good is a heart, if you're not gonna use it?
What good is your love, if you're too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then it's for a reason
If you're not even willing to start, what good is a heart?
Don't make the same mistake that people often make
And miss out on a chance for love
You've got to make your move, you've got to make it soon
Cuz you're dying inside
Cuz I'm a man, but I cry
I have fears, I won't lie
What good is a heart, if you're not gonna use it?
What good is your love, if you're too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then it's for a reason
If you're not even willing to start, what good is a heart?
Come on baby, you know it
Girl anyone who looks can see that I'm right
There's a chance, we should take it
Or regret it for the rest of our lives
What good is a heart, if you're not gonna use it?
What good is your love, if you're too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then it's for a reason
If you're not even willing to start, what good is a heart?
What good is a heart, if you're not gonna use it?
What good is your love, if you're too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then it's for a reason
If you're not even willing to start, what good is a heart?

2004-07-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

didnt blog for a day.. kinda miss this... whats happening to me now is. i think im going crazy.. leave me alone

did this quiz rather dumb tho..

name: yenn piercings: ? yea i do have ear piercings
tattoos: considering *hmms* (:
height: 164 o.O?
shoe size: i dont really know!
hair color: dark brown i guess o.O
siblings: NO SISBLINGS
LAST movie you rented: nahh i dont rent movie..
movie you bought: eh?? i dont buy movie too
song you listened to: to where you are (:
song that was stuck in your head: girl in my mirror!
cd you bought: cnt rem
cd you listened to:err.. bond ?
person you've called: silly boy.
person that's called you: becca?
tv show you've watched: cnt rem
person you were thinking of: *you*

DO
you have a crush on someone: yea :x
you wish you could live somewhere else: somewhere alone :)
you think about suicide: DUHH
you believe in online dating: NO.yuck only dummies does that
others find you attractive: no not at all
you want more piercings: yeah?
you like cleaning: ya myself oh ya and messy room
you like roller coasters: yeah!!
you write in cursive or print: print

FOR OR AGAINST
long distance relationships: depends
using someone: against!
suicide:reason?
killing people: give me a reason
teenage smoking: against
driving drunk: against
gay/lesbian relationships: depends
soap operas: against

HAVE YOU
ever cried over a girl: yeah ever
cried over a boy: yeah
ever lied to someone: duhh
ever been in a fist fight: eh? im not sure if i did
ever been arrested: yea kinda.

WHAT
shampoo do you use: vs sasoon
shoes do you wear: school shoes. what else?
are you scared of: loneliness

NUMBER
of times I have been in love?: well, i dont knw??
of times I have had my heart broken?: tons
of girls I have kissed?: LOADS hahas
of boys I have kissed?: HMMM .. shh
of girls I've slept (in a bed) with?: quite a few
of boys I've slept (in a bed) with?: err?
of people I would classify as true,could trust with my life type friends: i dont know
of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: dont know ?
of scars on my body?: lets not talk abt it.
of things in my past that I regret?: LOADS.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
pretty: hello?? no!!
funny: depends
hot: no!!
friendly: depends on mood
amusing: err
ugly: YA
loveable: nahh is there hatable??
caring: depends :)
sweet: no?
dorky: yeah..

FAVORITE
5 letter word: bitch
actor/actress: nobe at all
Candy: dont know :D
Cartoon: pooh?
Cereal: dont know what its called
Chewing gum: cool mint
Color(s): ehh?no idea
Color nail polish: dark purple??
Day of week: ??
Least fave day(s): tuition days
Flower: roses as long as its flowers.. i mean pweedy flowers
Jello flavor:purple
Jewelry: ?
diamonds?
Special skills/talents: dont think i have.im useless
Summer/Winter: winter!
Trampolines or swimming pools: swimming pool

PERSON WHO LAST.
Slept in your bed: me
Saw you cry:??
Made you cry: him??.
You went to the movies with: babe, mum,honey,sistas and friends
Yelled at you: mum
Sent you an email: hotmail enhancing blablabla
Have you ever. Said "I love you" and meant it?: yeahh duhh
Gone out in public in your pajamas: i dont wear pyjamas
Kept a secret from everyone: yeah obviously??
Cried during a movie: yeah
Ever at anytime owned new kids on the block stuff: what??!!?
Planned your week based on the TV Guide: no thats dumb
Been on stage: competition? performance? hostings? MC?
Been to New York: ya
Been to California: yeah Hawaii: yea!!
China: yeah
Canada: YA
Europe: england?? yea??
Asia: i am alrdy in asia.hello? are you awake?
South America: nahh
Wished you were the opposite sex: nahh never
What time is it now?: 2328h
Apples or bananas?: dedpends on mood
Blue or red?: both?
Walmart or target?: what?!!??
Spring or Fall?: fall..
What are you gonna do after you finish this?: telephone
What was the last meal you ate?: dinner
Are you bored?: not really
Last noise you heard?: pattering of the raindrops?
Last smell you sniffed?: RAIN!! its rainning
Last time you went out of state/province?: june?

FRIENDSHIP/LOVE
Do you believe in love at first sight?: no
Do you want children one day & if so, how?: i dont know.
Most important thing to you in a friendship is: no comments

Other Info
Criminal record?: NO im good
Do you speak any other languages?: ya? port?
Last book you read: claudia?

Name
some of your favorite things in your bedroom?: bed..com..phone?
Thing you dislike about yourself the most: myself my whole self
Worst feeling in the world: love and friendship
Who you love: do you need to know?
Who you miss: *you*
You Nickname(s): too many to say
Initials: ??
How old do you look?: dont know
How old do you act?: do i know?
Glasses/Contacts: both
Braces?: no
Do you have any pets?:??
You get embarrassed: duhh
What upsets you?: everyone and everything

Finish the sentence
I Love to... hide and cry
I Miss... you loving me
I Wish... to better a better me
I Hope... i can be a brand new me
I'm Annoyed by... this quiz
I Am...still cutting
I Want to Be... a nicer me
I Would Never... pull together
I'd Rather... commit suicide and die
I Am Tired of... putting on a mask
I Will Always be... there for *you*

Have you ever.
Thought you were going to die: yes!!
Wanted to Run away: yes!!
Flunked a grade: no not yet

+phews+ finally... after so long...
still cutting nd i dont know why..

2004-07-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

in dreams you lose your heartaches
whatever you wish for,you keep;

just dont know why i cant seem to study..
maybe im not the cut for books?
then what am i for?

saw her cuts again..
additional cuts..
hurts me more..
never ever thought of scolding her
just wanted her to smile and be happy
and everything would be fine (:
didnt wan to upset her
kept crapping
and pretended that everything's alright..

i want to keep on dreaming
and dreaming and dreaming
and dreaming and dreaming
and dreaming and dreaming
and dreaming and dreaming :)

\ You didn't know
how much it meant to her
Just those little,
those little sweet nothings
You thought it was a game,
and soonIt became a game
you were tired of playing
You left her, alone,
so very alone
Did you ever think of
where she was to go now?
Did you ever wonder of
the pain she would be feeling?
Did you ever think that
she might be crying for you?
No, to you, it was all a game
A game you soon grew tired of
Did it occur to you that
she would be bleeding for you?
Did it occur to you that
she still loved you so?
Did it occur to you that
she wouldn't mind you playing,again
Though the hurt
burned through her broken heart,
Leaving nothing
but charred ash behind?
For all these nights now,
she's been crying
For you, all these tears of sorrow
All these tears of deep sorrow
She knew to you,
it was all a game
But try as she might,
she couldn't forget the pain
To you, love was all just a game
But to her, love for you,
was worth the pain

im drop-dead--fucking-sad

2004-07-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

my wings had broken in your hands

im just too traumatised..
for everything that seems to be happening...
felt pretty bad today
went to school saw my babe and crime bud
talked to them
felt very hurt when i saw my babe
i know she's feeling bad
i know that and i know that
there are alot of things that i dont know about her
but im willing to spend time..
well probably im just a joker
an entertainer that's entertaining em all these while
trying to be happy..
but seeing my girls around me feeling down
how can i bring myself to be really happy?
yet i cant let them see me sad
so i just had to fake it..
what a pretentious faker i am
damn myself
i dont know why am i doing this
lying to myslef..like all the time?
just felt like dying so much...
recently my heart just seemed to ache really bad
and i dont know why..

oh and just now i drank some soup
and i think they put like alot of MSG ( YUCK )
and like my chest really hurt
and i was like burning, then i died
okay fine, i lied
but it was awfully painful :(
so i had to drink ALOT of water and ALOT of tea
so now, i'm okay :)
well im starting to go mad
really mad
fucking mad

if one day i leave this place dont think of me okay?
thank you all so much =)
let the bad colour not be seen to attract them

2004-07-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

cut is all i can do; cries!

i hate to see my girls cry.. my babe cut then i shall too.. precious babe please stop contradicting the facts... i dont see a point of girls needing guys.. i dont know why i'll feel this way.. i just want all my girls to be happy.. i hate to see them sad see them cry see them frown... is hurting the only thing that all guys are specialised in? like hell c'mon cant you guys just do something more constructive?? as if it would kill?? oh please stop all your immature moves and acts.. jerks and bastards are the words that really suit guys.. FUCKING JERKS.. I DONT SEE WHY DO YOU ALL HAVE TO MAKE MY GIRLS CRY AND BLEED..TORMENTING THEM EVERY NOW AND THEN MAKING THEM FEEL SO FUCKING HURT BY YOU ASSHOLES..GET A LIFE WOULD YOU?? WHY DO GUYS EVEN EXIST? ARE YOU ALL JUST BORN WITH FUCKING JERKY HORMONES IN YOUR BODIES? OR IS IT THAT YOU GUYS INJECTED IT INTO YOURSELVES??JUST SEE HOW PATHETIC YOU GUYS CAN GET.. FUCKHEADS..
sam.. these just gives me extra reasons to break up isnt it?

precious babe & heavenly tin9x ilu so much

so once again i really have to emphatize GUYS SUCK BIG TIME..

2004-07-25T01:28:00.000-07:00

i hate fuckheads; scram!

went for shopping today.. had a great time spent together with my dbs.. hahha bought a freaking skirt..i cant believe it haha no one will too...
met the GGG people... had closer to them now hahaha... talk to samuel for a short while.... felt damn freaking distant now... no idead what to do... sighh....

2004-07-23T23:50:00.000-07:00

2004-07-23T23:42:00.000-07:00

blame it all on me then ;

feeling fucked up because of what daryl has done to tingx i hate him for doing this... what an immature freak he is... brainless kukufied imbecile.. damn... you've got no class.. lick your dick fucker.. faggort..

sam: you dont know how im feeling.. i cant express it out... maybe i should just leave or something..

2004-07-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

cold and unwanted; abandoning and despair

im drained.. spent my whole afternoon in school.. haha cleaned E-club and went bumping around well im pretty sick of doing my dnt artefact.. cant seem to lacquer it well.. its been two weeks!!! went to mac with miss luohan jack and ernest joked hell loads.. haha met meiling in mac too.. then crapped so much and went home..

i dont know whats wrong.. suddenly i feel nothing.. sometimes i would be jealous sometimes i feel numb i really have no idea what i want...

2004-07-21T11:06:00.000-07:00

tell how am i supposed to live without you;

for you i would go an extra mile.
for you i wouldnt hesitate to stop.
for you i was always there.
for you i am always willing.
for you i would never complain.
-----just for you i would-----

have been keeping it to myself all these while
never wanted to upset you so much
couldnt help it but to bring it up
never felt so bad before just wanted you to be happy
those "held back" tears wasnt allowed to roll down my cheeks
just wanted to see you smile
dont want to see you hurt
dont want to see you cry
tears just fills my eyes
breaks my heart so much
silent pleas of a broken heart.. )=

never felt so bad.. never felt like crying so hard before
i just love you so much.. you showered me with love
and im aware about it..

2004-07-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

jinx; now i really think im one

you say that something has a jinx on it if it seems constantly to suffer from bad luck..
and im certainly one ):

i feel really fucked up now.. this is the second entry for the day.. everything is just so upsetting... i just want to cry it all out with this kind of things are happeneing to me? like why?? why must it be me?? the one who suffers all the shit from everyone? why? was it predicted that its meant to be like that like wayy long ago?? huh c'mon.. so i concluded i am meant to face all this crapp all the while what else can i say? i cant retaliate no way

2004-07-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

; all the scars and cuts shall remain there

tiring day i should say.. lessons were all so boring.. to had the day start off with 2 periods of humans.. coming up with 1 math and 1 mrs chan the "i-hate-to-talk-to" co. form teacher.. CME what a lame subject to take -.-"

school ended and i went bumping around had lunch with my babe!! changed and got ready for trng wahah.. trained and trained like shit.. well im in salini's an samni's house now.. blogging with her com..

sam: so sorry for bringing up that 5 words i didnt want things to turn out this way but no choice...

2004-07-19T01:31:00.000-07:00

there's no way out ;and i still cant seem to figure it outt

today's real tiring - exhausted
watched this chinese video clip during chinese some china production thing
was damn sparstic and kukufied..starring a group of kids going to to and blah blah blah.. the way they marched was freakingly hilarious : oh ya and the other day my fellow sisters from guides and i actually imitated their act.. how we stomped out feet and saluted was so amusing (:

im kinda happy because my friendship with the 4B kukus has been improving.. im pretty glad heh heh.. and its john's and yvonne's birthday today

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN & YVONNE (:

we also made suay kia and miss luohan to express their feelings to each other.. and woohoo~~ it turned out pretty well i should say.. poor ernest.. ): haha..
okok im drained i believe i've blogged enough.. see ya folks..

2004-07-19T00:19:00.000-07:00

; jinx and im just one..

went to da gym this afternoon.. and duhh.. it was wayyyy tiring.. hahas i did 150 cruntches yay!! i went into the changing room and ther was this naked woman standing right infront of me???? i was like "-.- hello miss EXCUSE ME!!" then she was like "opps sorry " haha.. then i walked off.. and when the whole thing was over when i wanted to dry my hair.. there was a freaking black out.. damn!!

and now.. im fucking mad, mad with my freaking dad who has been irritating me so much.. my family members are just getting on my nerves like nobody's business.. ninnified ,dullardtic,dufferfied,blockheaded sister of mine really deserve my hatred.. getting me into so much shit.. fuck! ok relax now you bitch..

found out abt this in my babe's blog and tried out.. ended up the same categeory as my beloved babe.. hah.. im a cutter..

You cut to forget somthing/someone. Someone else
would eat a whole lot of chocolate when they
don't feel so happy, you lock yourself up and
try to cut your memories away. You look like a
normal person, 'till someone brings up things
you don't want to think about. But it's hard to
forget things you are completely obsessed with,
isn't it?

What Kind Of Cutter Are You? (~TrIgGeRiNg~ pics)
brought to you by

im left with nothing

2004-07-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

im left with nothing ; awaiting for your arrival

sometimes im just wondering why do we all have to go through things that really sickening.. and i just cant get it right.. and i feel that it is just so shittified and fucked up.. really sucky.. nonetheless i still feel brilliant and great to have my besties around... no matter how bad i feel i know i can do it abit better with them around.. (=

;u just have to tell me that u're gone

2004-07-17T02:20:00.000-07:00

i got so freaking tempted to get start with a new blog because of my babe.. kinda got sicked and tired abt it.. tried working on pitas but couldnt.. sighh
newaes school was tiring had training for damn long..halted for 8 mins standing under sweltering sun.. phews that was wayyyyy too long mann.. well i just feel so blessed at times to have my besties around.. they just rawk my world SO muchh~